They Don’t Make Posters Like They Used To

•September 7, 2007 • Leave a Comment

The 70s were a great time for movie posters, and the Shaw Brothers output was no different. Bold design, brash colors. I think I prefer the painted posters to the photographic ones, although I have this little number hanging on my wall right now.

Also, have a random picture from the internets.
Rap Fu

– Patrick

In the Grim Future, There is Only “War”

•September 3, 2007 • Leave a Comment

My fellow blogger’s latest little word game left me chuckling, and I just had to come up with some of my own 3 letter Li/Statham flicks:

Ace: Jet Li and Jason Statham are ace fighter pilots on opposite sides of a China/US wargames exercise that threatens to spill over into trans-Pacific conflict. The two drink, fight over women, and prevent the war from starting through the power of friendship. Also featuring Tom Cruise as the squadron leader everyone loves to hate.

Bid: Nothing says blood-pounding excitement like eBay bidding!! Li and Statham star as rival eBayers out for each other’s blood and a signed baby picture of baseball “great” Barry Bonds. Guest appearance by Jeff Goldblum as the befuddled tech support rep.

Eve: The Christmas epic you’ve dreamed about since you first heard about Santa Claus. Think 24 meets Bad Santa meets Miracle on 34th Street. An all-out holiday extravaganze, over the course of one night, Jet Li fights to make the Christmas dreams of a group of poor children true, while Jason Statham fights for his corporate overlords.

Feh: Li and Statham, in old person makeup, hit the lake for some rollicking fishing, ala Grumpy Old Men. Features John Cleese as the station attendant.

Max: This is martial arts… TO THE MAX. A 90 minute long fight scene, Li and Statham kick everyone’s and everything’s asses. The movie sweeps all major awards and makes Hilary Clinton’s head explode.

Nap: Li and Statham don’t just run a daycare center, they are the kids. Featuring our dynamic duo as a pair of adults that never grew up, with lots of highly kinetic hijinks and long, dreamy nap sequences. Guest starring Adam Sandler as the receptionist.

Ohm: Sometimes, scientific progress goes BOOM! Our dynamic duo play two-fisted 19th century nobelmen of science, fighting over priority of a scientific discovery, international fame and fortune, and the hand of an exotic lady. A short, but memorable appearance by Christopher Walken as Nikolai Tesla.

Pus: The battle doesn’t stop when the fight is over. Li and Statham star as dueling paramedics in an earthquake and riot-ravaged LA, fighting for love, honor, and the lives of hundreds of innocents. Will Smith wows as the charismatic local community leader.

Sea: Think Master and Commander… with intense martial arts action! Li and Statham square off as British man-o-war versus Chinese pirate in an epic duel to the watery sea death. Keira Knightly reprises her Pirates role as the firey and obnoxious sea babe.

TWA: I want these motherfucking fists, off of my motherfucking plane! Jason Statham fights for the everyman, tired of being endlessly abused by an uncaring air transport system, against the worst US airline ever. Jet Li costars as the air marshal who must bring him down. Matt Damon also headlines as the unlucky head flight attendent.

Zig: In the year 204X… war was beginning. The Earth is ravaged by forces from outer space, and Jason Statham andJet Li are forced by the alien invaders to face off against each other in a battle for our world’s survival. Also featuring Charlie Sheen as the captured human general, and Patrick Stewart as the fearsome alien cyborg Cats. Can Li and Statham break free and save humanity? There is only one way. For great justice.

Jet Li says: “Blogging is tough, let’s go shopping!”

•August 26, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Blogging is a tough business. And being a celebrity doesn’t make it any easier. Just ask all those musicians with Myspace pages, like Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne, who have to fight the urge to make potentially destructive comments every time they log on.

Jet Li could be the latest one to join their ranks, after making a post about the vageries of the Chinese censorship system. Certainly, learning about the inner workings of any insane bureacracy is the first step towards fighting it, and you definitely can sympathize with Jet Li’s frustrations about how his Hollywood movies are being banned in China. I mean, if movies were banned in the US for even slightly portraying police officers negatively, well, then there goes most of the cop movies of the past hundred years.

The comment section is at least as fun, too. I’d pay good money to see Jet Li v. the Tsunami.


For the Death Note fans out there, I should also point out that the first teaser trailers have been posted for the eponymous L-based movie spinoff of the Death Note franchise. Given how unimpressed I was at the live-action movies, I’m not really looking forward to this one, since I don’t see much in the cast or crew to really excite me. We have yet to see if they’ll pander more to the action-loving demographic, or if they’ll load up on scenes of L devouring sweet foods and staring lovingly into the eyes of his victims, to bring in the girls.

—Teki

“War” anyone?

•August 24, 2007 • 1 Comment

War

Refraining from the obvious Edwin Starr joke, Jet Li and Jason Statham clash once again in “War”, in theaters now. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, this looks like hella dumb fun. If it’s anything like “The One”, it’ll at least be entertaining. Because Jet Li is nobody’s bitch.

Other three-letter-word-titled movies from Li and Statham:

Can: The duo vie for the last clean toilet at the club, potty humor and porcelain breaking abounds. Special guest star: Vince Vaughn as the guy who just wanted to take a shit.

Bar: Statham opens a bar across from Li’s own bar. They fight, they drink, they fight and drink. Special guest star: Jackie Chan, who neither fights not drinks but cockteases all the action fans in the audience.

Odd: A hard-hitting action remake of “The Odd Couple”. Li and Statham are just two roommates who just can’t get along! Can they pull it together before they’re kicked out by their landlord who is also a Triad gang boss?

I could go on for ages.

– Patrick

Ang Lee’s “Lust, Caution” Gets NC-17 Rating

•August 23, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Grabbed this off of Variety, the MPAA gave “Lust, Caution” an NC-17 rating, the kiss of death for some movies. Surprisingly, Focus Features accepted the rating stating “As with so many of his previous films, Oscar-winning director Ang Lee has crafted a masterpiece about and for grown-ups”. 

Brilliant move on Focus Features part, their acceptance of the rating is a very mature, dignified decision. It probably didn’t hurt that Ang Lee’s oeuvre is littered with Oscars and other awards. It’s still a gamble, NC-17 films don’t make as much money and frankly have a bad reputation at the box office in general these days. “Showgirls”? No.

Frankly, I’m also looking forward to buying my first NC-17 movie ticket. I hope they card me, I really do.

The film premieres at the Toronto Film Festival in early September along with Alexi Tan’s Taiwanese production “Blood Brothers” and a host of fine films you bastard Canadians get to see before me.

– Patrick

The Bourne Wuxiapian

•August 13, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero?

It’s so brilliant, I wished I’d thought of it myself. Also, I cannot stop thinking of Matt Damon wearing a muumuu, swinging around a sword and yelling “MATT DAMON!” a lot.

(see: wuxia on Wikipedia)

– Patrick

A noir remake of “Enter the Dragon”?

•August 10, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Hm, this is a movie idea I didn’t see coming. Variety Asia reports that “The Shield” exec producer Kurt Sutter is writing and directing his own remake of “Enter the Dragon” titled “Awaken the Dragon.” Apparently it’ll be a “noir-style” remake about a FBI agent following a Shaolin monk into “the bloody world of underground martial arts fight clubs.”

I’ll admit, my knee jerk reaction was to declare some sort of cinematic jihad but reading the article, it seems to be an interesting take on it. I’m getting more of a “Danny the Dog” vibe from it, what with the brutal underground fight clubs.

They’re pretty set on getting an unknown for their Shaolin monk character, wonder who that’ll be? My totally unsupported conjecture: Wu Jing, from “Sha Po Lang” and “Invisible Target”.

– Patrick